I know this sounds like one of those crazy facebook mememe’s – like, one I had recently was something about “I ran over your boyfriend with my motorcycle because Big Bird is my leader” or something like that.
But no – seriously.
I put garlic in my vagina because the internet told me to.
A few weeks ago, while The Husband was getting ready for work I started getting “the itch”.
Now, if you’re a woman, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’re a man – go away, I hate you….because this is yet another thing to add to the long list of reasons why men have it so easy, it’s after “childbirth” but before “can pee anywhere, anytime, any place, even the most disgusting of road side bathrooms”.
Unfortunately, I could not go to the store for medicine because The Husband was due to leave for work in just a few minutes.
So, I figured I’d just suck it up and pick some up on my way into work the next morning.
Unfortunately, right about the time that I called Mah Becky, “the burn” was setting in.
I was insanely uncomfortable and there was just no way that I was going to be able to make it until morning without trying something, anything, to make me a little bit more comfortable and less itchy burny feeling.
So, I did what any sane person would do.
I consulted the internet.
Now, seeing as how, besides Mah Becky, The Husband and The Bestie, no one else knows about this, I was nice enough to take this question to My Boyfriend instead of Twitter or Facebook.
So I googled “home remedies” and, yup, “yeast infection”.
My Boyfriend came up with about a bajillion results but I kept coming across the same thing : garlic.
I won’t get into all of the reasons why garlic is the Pillsbury Doughboy’s kryptonite but I will tell you this…..
I had some bulbs of garlic in the fridge and leftover gauze from when I had mah toof pulled. I had a major problem that needed immediate attention lest I try to surgically remove my vagina with a dull spoon and a rusty butter knife.
So I dampened some gauze, ripped off a clove of garlic, went to the bathroom and shipped that kryptonite off to show the Doughboy who was boss.
It was hard to fall asleep that night (D’uh!) but I woke the next morning feeling back to my regular non-STD’ish feeling self.
And no, I did not reek of pasta primavera all day.
Unfortunately, I should have done another over night dose of this magic stuff because the next day, on my way to work, the Doughboy and his friends rallied together to gnaw on my hooha with their sharp doughy claws.
So, I stopped at a local pharmacy on my walk to the office to pick up some REAL medicine.
I grabbed the first one day treatment that was on sale that I could get my hands on and hauled myself off to work and ran to the bathroom as fast as I could without drawing attention to myself.
Luckily, it was one of those pre-filled applicators so I didn’t have to deal with the drama of filling it, etc. etc. etc. I had never used this kind before but assumed they were all alike and got down to business and pulled a total man mistake without reading the instructions.
I noticed some resistance when I tried to push the plunger thingy but didn’t think it was a big deal….I flexed my Spray N Wash muscle and shot that magical ointment straight up the pipes.
About fifteen minutes later I got a sharp painful sensation in my lower stomach. Something wasn’t right……
I went back to the bathroom, dug out the instructions to check for warnings and in bold letters saw a reminder to remove the blue cap at the end of the applicator.
Blue cap at the end?
Totally floating around in my vagina.
I tried to find it but, seeing as how my husband Vagina GPS was at home sleeping after working all night I didn’t have any luck.
I made a frantic phone call to my husband Vagina GPS and mother, both of whom wished me luck and told me to try again in a little bit after I’d stopped freaking out. My husband also mumbled something about waking him up just because I’m a retard.
I wasn’t able to find it but at least the pain stopped.
Before enduring an embarrassing OB/GYN visit, I figured I’d wait til I got home and try again.
Luckily, yes, I was able to find it, stuck in a vaginal wall fat roll.
Moral of the Story : Never put garlic in your vagina because that shit doesn’t really work, it just makes you think it does and you’ll be really freakin’ sorry when you’re frantically searching for a missing piece of plastic that is floating around inside of your tunnel of love because you’re an idiot you were in such a rush that you didn’t stop to read the directions of a product you had never used before.
Remember ladies, like penises, no two applicators are alike.